A Polar Valentine

Over the years I have blamed the downfall of society on multiple people, places and things. And then when I ran out of nouns, I moved right into the pronouns, even though I consider myself an amateur. But this time I have the proper target for anything bad that has ever happened to anyone at any time: television broadcast teasers...

Such teasers are the 15-second blurbs that serve as commercials for upcoming television news shows that note, "Later tonight, we will tell you if the snow will accumulate 15 inches -- or maybe it won't snow at all!" On a good day, a teaser might be more along the lines of "There is definitely a murderer living in your town. Find out tonight if it's your next door neighbor." And then we all know what happens upon actually tuning in. After pacing for four hours waiting for the broadcast to begin, it turns out that the snow will occur three hours away and the murderer is an old man who steps on ants. -- on purpose. If news broadcasts really set out to inform the general population, then they need to start with their teasers, bringing us more honesty than even a retired politician could offer: "Absolutely nothing of note happened today. If you tune in, you will wonder why you bothered."

Of course, as I type this, a teaser has just entered my television screen. "Tune in as we prepare for Valentine's Day," the female broadcaster said. But, really, what can be so shocking -- or even interesting -- about Valentine's Day that the news needs to cover it? Unless it involves a local man dating a polar bear, I'm just not interested...

Imagine for a second what it would be like to date a polar bear, always getting the cold shoulder. But I am sure there are positive aspects as well. Just imagine that you are drinking a soda and suddenly it becomes warm. Well, don't sweat it -- your polar bear date will be there to drop in a few cubes. Granted, an ice maker -- or perhaps even an ice cube tray -- could produce similar results, but where is the excitement there? Think about that the next time you turn down a polar bear for a date...

On this Valentine's Day, I cannot help but wonder if raisins go on dates. And if so, do they go on dates with other raisins, or are they allowed by their parents (the ones who are raisin' them) to go on dates with prunes -- or maybe even go on dates with dates? If a date dated a date, I seriously think that without a doubt the entire universe would literally turn inside out. This may seem like a drastic exaggeration, but I don't think anyone will be laughing when it happens...

The television news broadcast has begun, so I now see what the Valentine teaser was all about: how to buy the best possible diamond. The fact that I am writing about raisins makes me feel like I've missed the point. That's okay, though, at least my tea has ice in it...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a journalism and English teacher in NJ who has been writing "Progressive Revelations" since 1998 (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com). His first book, "Hiding Newspapers on Zebras" was originally published in February of 2006.